I started smoking marijuana (weed) recreationally when I was 14 along with starting all of my other "bad" habits that year (such as drinking, sex, love, weeeeed). My freshman year in high school was quite experimental you could say. So, this "recreationally" turned into "habitually" this last summer because in my small ass city I'm from there's really not much else TO do and I happen to enjoy it very much. (Note: I do not smoke it habitually any more. Just occasionally. I prefer drinking now, and mixing the two is a no-no.) I have a couple of friends that enjoy it as well that take part in this activity of illegal drug usage with me. A few of them have tried other drugs like Shrooms, or ecstasy... it's whatever. I don't mind of it.
I'm feeling experimental this week and this weekend is a very special occasion. So I will be taking part in a usage of a psychedelic this weekend and I'm really excited about it. I'm going to a party (Bootycall's frat's party btw) with a slip and slide while I'm rolling! Holy shit. You know how trippy this shit is going to be? I'm really pumped. I'm more excited about the friends that are going to be coming to Austin to party with me this weekend that will be participating as well. Oh Lord. Watch out Austin. Or should I say watch out Michelle? But yeah just wanted to let everyone know.
Now to the interesting stuff:
ALERT: There has been sighting of a horny, drunk-texting bitch on the loose. If you hear of her whereabouts please inform me so I can find her and take her home TO HER BED and take the phone away from her to save her from embarrassment.
Hey public, this girl is me. Fuck my life. Like for real. You ever wake up and think, "Hmm I texted so and so last night, I wonder what I said to them because I don't have much recollection after, 'Hello'..." Yeah, hey I have, many many mornings. Like yesterday morning. Who was I drunk-texting promising a late night visit? Bootycall. Yeah, of course, right? His name is Bootycall for fucking out loud. Well, here it goes:
BC: Yo what you doin?
me: At ka [frat house] drunk yoi?
(20 minutes later)
me: Where are you!
BC: At my house.
me: oh ok
BC: Come over!
me: Can I stay theree?
BC: Ya. [of course right]
me: areyou sure
(Please take note of how horribly I'm texting.)
BC: Gotta get up early again though cause i have to set up for alumni. But I can drive you home this time.
me: Ok but I'm pretty fucked up would you take care of me
BC: Ya. I can drive you home at anytime tonight or tomorrow [lie]
me: Ok could you possible come get me from ka
BC: Haha ya. I'll drive you home when you're ready. How about that?
me: Ok
me: Could you could come h Get me
BC: I don't want to drive right now. I can later though. Just walk over here. It's not that far. [Ass.]
me: What's going on over there ? I'm really. Drunk...
BC: Nothing. Pretty much just you coming to see me.
me: (blank text)
me: That's it I wann come over
BC: Haha then come.
me: I'm trying
BC: Trying means You're walking over
me: That msans I'll bs there soon. Wait for me pleAse. I'm drunk. Can I stay with you?
BC: Ya you can stay. I'll drive you home tomorrow.
me: OkAy awwesome I'll be there room. Be ready!
BC: Oh i am. Call me when You're close cause There's some guys in the main room and i highly doubt you want to deal with them.
(20 minutes later)
BC: Still coming?
(30 minutes later)
BC: Ok. I'm going to sleep soon.
(1 HOUR later)
me: Omg this sucks [talking about how drunk I was]
me: So Im super drunk and Just went home but can j stay with You Tom night?
WTF!? Who's a huge slut when she's drunk? Like literally I was so drunk that I never had any intention of going to his place, so this was all for fun I'm assuming? (I'm Ron Burgundy?) I even threw up in the middle of typing one of the texts. HOT MESS. I woke up extremely confused about where I was (in my bed) and then worried about what was said to him the night before. So I quickly grabbed my phone. I surprisingly don't remember any texts sent or received except the "Where are you!" one because it took me 20 minutes to fucking send it. But WTF? I was sooooo embarrassed. Oh, hey, Bootycall I want you super fucking bad, can you tell? The ironic thing is I try to be all mysterious when I'm sober around him, but when I'm drunk I just put it ALL on the table. There is no freaking way this guy is ever going to take me seriously. It'll always be a strictly "hey, wanna fuck" relationship. (I say fuck A LOT, its my favorite word. It's awesome it's a verb, exclamation, adjective... love it) I did finally get the truth out of him about his promiscuity I've been hearing so much about from everyone though. Apparently, he used to be a huge fucking baller in the getting kitty cat category but after his girlfriend from last year, I've been the only girl he's slept with. So, that's kind of promising. I must be a total badass in bed (I have more proof that I am later). After all the stupid things I do around him or to him, I just feel like a dumb ass. To add to it, he's notorious for not texting back at the worst times, so yesterday I harped on my stupidity all day long (which was cured when he finally texted me at 12). I can't believe I told him I was on my way when I was minutes away from passing out and then ditched him completely. Poor, horny, frat-boy. But I made it up to him last night when I was less drunk and more willing, to say the least.* (refer to the bottom of post) Oh, but getting to his place last night was a trip.
Details of last night:
Yesterday consisted of recovering from the completely, tragically drunk night before, trying not to kill myself while Bootycall refused to text me back all day, having a fun little trip to CVS to buy condoms with my roommate whose boyfriend was coming into town (explaining why I asked Bootycall ahead of time for a place to lay my head), and getting ready for the big Texas v. Texas Tech football game. The day goes by slowly and my roommate and I went to the game, we won, we had fun, we lost our voices, blah blah blah, then her boyfriend comes into town while were eating after the game and so our friend, Olivia and I go and do our thing by going out to celebrate our victory over the Red Raiders. First on our agenda: walk to this party called Tejas. We do. Lame. Then we walked to a frat house called Kappa Alpha Order, aka KA. Once again, lame. So we walked around West Campus for about 30 minutes, where we got beer spilled on us from drunken balcony dwellers (who I will find and kill), TWICE, and then proceed to walk back to Tejas. Where we spent a total of one glass of punch time there (I measure time passing by drinks consumed, which by the way tasted like shit), all the while getting creeped on HARDCORE by some weirdos, so we cut our time there sort and peaced out.
Off to another party for us. We walked back to KA. We had heard that the party got to bumpin' finally and we liked the people there a lot so yeah. Oh KA, so many funny things happened there last night. Three of my past hook ups were there and two or the three were tryna for seconds. Hard. (There's more of my proof that I am a Sex Goddess) One lurked around everywhere which I was a habit I noticed when he's interested, both in experiencing this myself and seeing him do it to other girls. The other boy was an old high school crush that I had won over drunkenly at a party months before and he was coming around for seconds. (Why am I talking like I'm food) Who wouldn't? I joke but for real. He literally spent 30 minutes trying to convince me to come back to his friends apartment with him (he was just visiting Austin for the weekend) all the while I'm like whoa, dude, no thank you, maybe another time, but tonight I'm staying at ATO (Bootycall's frat, btw I'm not in a sorority, fuck that, I just have a soft spot for boys in polos and Sperrys). We spent a good while debating about how I should or shouldn't stay with him and why. He had a few good points, but I had my mind set on going to Bootycall's. During this 30 minute debacle, Lurker walked in the room obviously looking for me and sees that I have an arm draped around Debaters neck and was talking to him in close proximity and gives us a very disappointed and confused look. I pretended not to notice and just coyly smirked and barely glanced his direction (once again this is my attempt at being a drunk player) as he walked by. And then back by, doing the same exact thing. At this point I'm feeling like SuperSex Woman. Look at all these boys. One begging with his words, one begging with his crooked smile and awkward stares, and the other completely oblivious to the booty he was going to get that night. Who wins this battle? The oblivious one. Why do I work the way I do, I do not even know how to explain, but it's whatever. I was determined, yet of course still tempted (I ended up making out with Debater even though he didn't get anything else).
So after these highly entertaining events, my friend Erin and I try to go find another one of our friends, Austin, who was last seen passed out in the front yard of the frat house. We ran to the spot he was last seen and there he still was, drunk, passed out, in the grass. Oh how I love college, you find new places to sleep almost on a nightly basis. Laughing hysterically, we wake him up and then proceed to try and walk home. (Olivia was somewhere in KA tryna with a boy named Muscles.) I end up being walked to ATO by a guy whose name I cannot for the life of me remember which is strange because he told me twice and I'm usually very good with names. I'll call him Boy (Who Walked Me To Other Boys House), considering that's what he was doing, and he knew that, which is completely weird. So anyways, Austin and Erin find another way home because I had to go to ATO. I had very important business meeting. Boy walked me to ATO and we talked about God knows what the whole way. Ellipses. We get to ATO, I text Bootycall, and he calls me and tells me to meet him in the side parking lot and hangs up. Boy then takes this as a hint some how and kisses me. Hardcore, like won't let go and is shoving tongue down throat, I try politely to get away from him, which means kiss him for a second (ew) and then pull away. Oh, well that didn't work, of course, because I'm irresistible. Joke btw. I even tried the pull away for air and say I'm meeting my friend (I might have even reminded him it was a guy that I was meeting) in that parking lot over there approach, and he just said, "So?". Um, excuse me, Mr. Super Creep, but you just forcedly made out with me after walking me to ANOTHER guy's house. Uh, no, I have shit to do and NOT with you. So I replied with, "So... I need to go over there thanks for walking me. Bye." And just left. Poor guy. Thinking back now, I just left him standing on the corner by himself at 3:30 in the morning. That's a little messed up. But WTF? He was probably thinking I was going to like get with him or something all the while knowing I was going to this other guys house! I don't know or understand it. But fuck boys, especially dumb ones. So, I then meet Bootycall in the parking lot where we make a bee-line to his room, and well I'm not sure what happened, well I know it happened. But I remember everything except the actual act. Bummer. I think I blacked out drunk for like 10 minutes, because I really cannot remember what exactly happened. I remember getting undressed, then I remember getting dressed after and going to the bathroom, and then going to sleep (there was some conversation in there somewhere, I promise). So, that's kind of weird. But oh well waking up next to him this morning was really cool. As weird as that may sound. Like waking up with someone is cool? Oh and he has this distinct smell that is so awesome. It's his natural scent and it's so sweet and cute and comforting, I love it. So I got to wake up to that. Awkwardly enough, I had to lay in bed while he slept for like an hour because I woke up. When I wake up after a night of heavy drinking I'm up, no turning back. Eventually he woke up. And then he just took me home. What, No breakfast? Hook ups don't get breakfast, but I don't want to be a hook up. And I want breakfast. Or at least an offer! Fuck my life. It's all good though, I guess. Whatever. I'll just continue to be a bootycall for Bootycall, and he can proceed to be mine. Maybe it'll evolve somehow. I'm thinking back asswards, aren't I?
P.S. Lurker got into a fist fight last night and got the shit beat out of him apparently and he's a big guy so that's a big deal, and I heard Debater tried to talk quite a few girls into coming home with him and did not succeed with any, Boy remains nameless and creepy, and of course, Bootycall is still beautiful.
* Texts From Last Night
me: So what's up [sober texting rocks]
BC: I'm on my way home. Where you at?
me: Ka still.
BC: Leave. Come over.
(15 minutes later, gotta leave them begging)
me: Maybe if you can promise me a better time
BC: Well you know what you get when you come over.
me: Haha that's all I ever get but I'm not complaining
BC: So That's a yes then
me: Hmm I dunno I'm with a friend and I'm not ditching her
BC: Threesome?
me: Nice. Lol I dunno when you planning on going to sleep
BC: Not soon.
me: Ok well hold on a while I need a place to stay and your place is what I've had in mind
BC: I like it.
me: You should because I'll be on your doorstep tonight whether you like it or not. Itll work out better if you like it
BC: I like it
me: Good. I'm getting myself drunk just for you. I'm more fun that way.
BC: Haha sounds good.
me: Haha ok god I sound so slutty but honestly I don't give a fuck right now
BC: I love it. Come now.
(30 minutes later)
BC: So You're come over soon or am I going to sleep?
me: I'm coming like now!' [I hate using coming as a verb, ever. And notice the drunk extra punctuation]
me: Like for real tonight i promise. Hah
BC: Haha. So you just coming up to my room?
me: You gotta meet me
BC: Haha ok.call me when You're out front.
me: Ok lol [lol? Necessary?]
(30 minutes later)
me: In here
me: come get me I'm outbfront [This is the point where boy is tryna so I'm not drunk texting just quickly texting]
...and we all know what this led to
It doesn't even take alcohol to make me a slutty texter-- it just takes boredom and a good shot of hornyness. I applaud you for being a better woman than I.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your life is far more sex-filled than mine. Congrats. Dry spells suck ass. But don't you hate when you're so drunk you really can't remember your great drunk sex? All I remember concretely about sex with Perfect was his super-fucking-long eyelashes and ripped biceps. However, I'm sure there have been worse memories, hahaha.
Keep writing, lady!
XOXO