The past month has been quite hard on me but I've always been light hearted and airy and try to not let things get to me. I live a good life, with good friends, good family, good everything, so I have no reason to let small details get to me. Although I cannot help it right now. I have all kinds of shit stacked up right now, and today it just all tumbled on top of me and has left me gasping for air and wanting to crawl under my covers for a week or so.
Here's a list of things that have been on my mind this last month:
- Bootycall (I really like him a lot a lot a lot, you know this)
- Christianity
- Career-path
- Rushing for a sorority
- Applying for Texas Sweethearts (a student volunteer and spirit group)
- Calculus
- Loneliness
- Lack of network
- Grades
- Chemistry
- How much I hate my philosophy class
- My Weight gain
Let me just inform you all, that I love myself. Always have. I don't have much of a self-doubt problem, ever. It's more like self-disappointment. As in, "what the fuck, Michelle, why are you gaining weight, why didn't you study more for your damn chemistry class, why did you not say this or do this so you could get into that sorority, why are you so fucking lame and not make it into Sweethearts, why aren't you more interesting so Bootycall will like you more, why don't you have a boyfriend, why are letting yourself have doubts about your own beliefs. More or less I'm very hard on myself. I'm judge mental of myself because I have this image of myself that I want and when I don't fill it out I get very depressed. Deeply depressed. Sad playlist on my iPod, I get mopey, cry myself to sleep, etc. Sad shit that no one likes to go thru. I have had a tension headache ever since yesterday morning and the added stress of not making Texas Sweethearts today has made everything quite worse. Now I am stuck in my own head and can't get out.
Let me explain what Texas Sweethearts is. Texas Sweethearts is a student run organization at UT that is just for girls and they have mixers, socials, have a special section at the football games, do special things at other sporting events to show school spirit, and do volunteer work for the greater Austin area. Which are ALL things I'm greatly interested in and would like to invest my time in. Football, partying, volunteering? Hell yeah! Where do I sign up? I was very excited about joining this organization. Excited beyond belief you could say. Therefore, I dove into this whole thing super eager and confident. I love my personality and do not care who does not. If people don't accept me then they don't have to talk to me so why should I care. I like most people and usually it's mutual. I applied and went to all the events to get to know the actives, and felt very confident about my acceptance because of how I got along with girls (which was extremely well) but have still been anxious about making it or not after my extreme rejection from the Greek life at UT (I got cut from all but one sorority, which was the genuine sorority, but I lost interest). I got an e-mail from Texas Sweethearts today and eagerly opened it thinking I was a shoo in. To my dismay, it was a rejection e-mail. My immediate response was complete silence. My roommate came over and hugged me and gave me reassuring words. All I could say was, "It's okay. I'm fine." No. Everyone knows that's not true, especially when I female says it. I texted my mom and dad to tell them I didn't make it and then my dad called me. He knew it was not okay. And at that exact moment I knew it wasn't either. I broke down completely. All confidence in everything I had ever had was completely gone. Do I lack personality or people skills or individuality? Okay, so I know none of those are true, but is that how I come off to other people? Why have I gotten rejected by at least 14 groups of girls in the last month? God, I hated girls in high school and now I remember why. They suck. I judge myself enough I don't need a whole half of the world population to do it as well.
After all these unfortunate events tonight (this month), I started thinking about my faith. I have fallen out of my walk in Christianity. I have many reasons of why but we won't go there. I'm not a Bible-beating, Jesus freak but I do have a lot of love in my heart for Christ and believe He once walked this Earth and was sent here to save the human population. I do not regularly attend church, read the Bible, or pray but I do (well did) still think about him everyday.
Seeing the beauty in things is my way of worshipping God. A beautiful sunset, a sweet melody by a talented artist, an eloquent poem, or even just a great athlete always reminded me of God's beauty and His awesome love for us. But recently I've let myself get too busy. So busy that I don't even notice those things anymore. I don't even look up at the sky anymore, I used to nearly every 5 minutes. I don't stop and look at flowers. I don't see God's beauty in anything anymore. The more I think about it the more depressed I get. I'm being tested hardcore. My new priority in life right now is realigning my walk for Christ. True happiness is not pursued by your own self. You find happiness through your walk with Christ. He leads you to the ultimate happiness. (Although, I say this knowing that everyone has different beliefs but these are my own beliefs. I don't judge others based on what they believe so I expect others to not judge me based on what I believe. That's what Christianity is all about anyways, right? NOT judging people? But we won't go there because we all know that just leads to an argument about hypocrisy within Christianity. And I'm so not in the mood for that.) I'm at loss for words now.
Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. It works in every different way. I'm being tested and that's the only excuse I have for my shit-filled month (which just so happens to be my first month in college, imagine that). I've been just shaking off all the misfortunes trying to keep my composure thinking things will fall into place all by themselves but that's not how it works. You have to make an effort to let things fall into place. You can't just sit back and let God take care of everything. You have to put some effort into Him as well. Just like all relationships.
"Hey God, I apologize for turning my back on You. You've done nothing but been here for me and I've been a bad friend and just let You put all the effort into our relationship. Well it's my turn to return the favor. AMEN"
"When life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail." Thank you Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
"Wait for your angel. When he comes, your dark will turn to light and everything will be all right." -My wonderful brother Josh
He literally sent me this quote that he wrote about 10 minutes ago and I immediately started crying at the beauty of the words. I did not know that he had written them and the fact that he did makes me want to fall to my knees and thank the Lord that I have such a talented brother. I pray for the best for him and love the hell outta him.
There's my rant. That is all for now. Time to sleep. If I can. Shit sandwich.
No comments:
Post a Comment