I have always said I would rather date a cheater that could fess up about his infidelities than date a liar. Who knew I was dating a boy that was both for two and half years give or take a few months? I got to find out about the “man” that my ex boyfriend apparently really was the entire time we were together. A lying, cheating bastard. He would still lie to me about his infidelities to this day. Fuck him. Fuck fuck fuck him.
He left me broken in the dust completely in love with a guy that left me and never looked back, but once just to make sure I wouldn’t forget about him while he went off and forgot about me. My hands left empty. My heart left broken. And a hole left in my heart that has yet to be healed. Whether it has healed and just gets reinjured every once and while is a mystery to even me but the fact that is there is ineminent. Please don’t make me feel stupid for loving you, because trust me I already feel like the dumbest girl in the world. Why I let myself love you so much is beyond me. And whether or not I will ever have the ability to give my all and all to another human being is beyond me or any other psychic or wizard with future seeking capabilities.
Have you ever held hands with someone and their hand just seemed to fit around yours like a perfect puzzle piece, like you two were knit together in heaven to be together on Earth as long as you lived? Well I have. And I have also felt that perfect hand slip thru my fingers and disappear. The next thing I knew that hand was holding another, leaving mine empty. I wasn’t ready to stop holding hands. He left me desperately reaching for his grasp. He held tightly to the other hand and left me with mine to try and find the other piece that fit to it “perfectly” unsuccessfully. Big hands, small hands, hands that were just there to fill the gap, hands that thought they fit mine but that actually didn’t, hands that disguised themselves as the perfect fit that quickly slipped from my grip for reasons beyond me, and hands that just didn’t feel right. Nothing has ever fit as perfectly as his hand did in mine. Nothing fit as perfectly as his lips upon mine.
Everything I did to forget never worked. I desperately want to forget him, to get over him, to find my perfect hand and the man that belongs at the end of it. What he did to me stung me deep. So deep that I cannot pinpoint it or cure it. I don’t know what needs to be done in order for this hurt to go away. Probably another person that feels like they need me. Unfortunately, I have a sign that only males can read that says, “I’m available and have no desire to be loved by you so use use use me”. I have yet to meet a guy that would try to romance me. I truly believe that I’m the girl with many lovers but never any love. The capability to form functioning relationships has been robbed of me, along with my sanity and my ability to be loved.
Before you go and say that you aren’t exactly sure what you have done to me to cause such trauma, allow me to guide you down Memory Lane. Our relationship was beautiful, rocky, horrible, crazy, wonderful, everything I ever wanted, fun, etc. We had some tough times for an entire school year but quickly resolved through the issues and grew stronger. Your senior was a quick blur, with ups and downs but mainly ups and I was more in love with you than I had ever been. College decisions and parties clouded our beauty every once and while but I was so blinded by love that these bumps were just little blips worth ignoring.
Looking back there was so many warning signs, but once again they were left to be ignored by me, the genius. I truly believed that no matter were you went to school I would either follow you to or at least consider and we’d let the distance work. I believed that you were my one and only and that we would grow up, get married, and have children just like we had discussed millions of times before. Blinded by this vision I let things happen that I could have avoided.
Let’s start with the numbers of parties that you were invited to while I was to be left at home waiting and wondering, or the fact that I wasn’t even invited to bowl with you on your birthday and that on your birthday I asked if we were going to Mayfest and Celebration together and you left me without a date to Celebration. Which I may say turned into a DISASTER in disguise.
Looking back, I was completely walked all over and was completely oblivious to what was coming next. You fell for a girl in a mere 3 hours at a dance that I was devastated that I was not going to with you. I feel so stupid, I should have been one of those crazy-bitch girlfriends that freaks about stuff like that. Unlike you I’m too laid back to fight for that kind of thing. I even saw the connection between the two of you at Celebration that night and ignored it not even feeling a drop of competition being used to your friendly and flirty ways. You were being the typical you and showing a girl whose date had ditched her a good time. Who was I to stop such a heroic act. I was even PROUD of you. Little did I know that numbers were exchanged and so were mutual feelings, but not important little facts like significant others such as girlfriends.
Uncanny distance was placed between us that week after Celebration and before Mayfest but I, being so horribly in love with you, just ignored it and tried to fight thru it. Mayfest comes and so does the beginning of the weirdness. You were needy and over-protective but stand-off-ish at the same time. I was still completely oblivious to what was going on. At the time I thought you were just struggling with the fact that you were moving to Georgia in a couple of months. Silly me thought you were afraid to leave me and were feeling sad about the fact that you would soon be leaving this relationship of 2 years and six months give or take. But how soon is soon, because at the time I had no idea.
You wandered off at the dance leaving to go to the bathroom. In between your numerous bath room breaks and my dress falling apart, you were looking for her. Her. The one girl that never felt like a threat was the ultimate threat of all. Poor her had no idea that she was being lied to. She knew about me and our past and that we were at the dance as dates but no idea that we were STILL together. I felt like I was constantly looking for you at this dance, and the last time I found you, you were sitting on a couch by yourself talking to moms in the VIP room. I was so out of touch with what was going on, I just wanted my regular lover back. I just wanted to enjoy every last moment we had together before you left for Georgia for extended amounts of time. I tried to convince you to come dance with me but you moped and said you just didn’t want to. I was NOT going to do so much to make sure you had fun if you were just going to refuse to try to have fun so I went off and danced with friends on stage for the rest of the night. We left together. You had my phone that was constantly buzzing because of an insecure friend whose date had left them, and you were obviously getting irritated by it so I apologized. We drove away a little details remain. But the most vivid detail of all was our last kiss. That kiss marked a huge place in the book about our lives together. Unknowingly at the time, that kiss was the denouement.
The weirdness exponentially increased throughout the week until one day. When I was told that “she “likes’ you”. I knew I was screwed at this exact point. I asked you if you had talked to her since the dance and you lied and said no. When I fought to find out if you had been texting her you turned arguments around on me and blamed our weirdness on the texts from my insecure friend after the dance. I broke up with you in hopes to end the fight, and then we could just make up later like we always did. The next day when I tried to apologize for our stupid fight you agreed that staying apart would be best. I was heart broken. I couldn’t believe that I had broken up with you. How stupid was I. Little did I know that this whole time along, you were actually harvesting feelings for another girl while I was completely oblivious. The self-inflicted break up was your getaway. You had danced with her at the dance. You had even KISSED her. At the same dance we went together to. You can imagine how dumb I felt that I was constantly looking for you at this dance after I heard this news. Before I had even grasped the fact that we were broken up, you had moved on and made plans to see the other girl.
I was not ready for that break up at all. I had caused it, it was my idea and I was not ready for it to be final. At all. I was left in the dust. I was completely torn and broken. The feeling has never left. It has been augmented and alleviated but never erased. Trust me if I could erase feelings, the feelings of being unwanted would be the number one thing would I erase. No warning. Just dropped. And never checked on. Just ridiculed for still not being over it. I hope she was worth it. She definitely seems like she was. She’s an amazing person. I don’t blame you for wanting her over me. Seeing you two form together and then fall apart was just as difficult as watching you and I fall apart. Becoming friends with her has been extremely important to me in my life merely for the fact that we are here to heal each other. We never tell each other your secrets that you shared with us, but we speak of our love for you and how our hearts both have a you-shaped hole that we are desperately working to fill and mend. Whether it takes each other or another man that can love is unconditionally then so be it. But he is not you.
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