I Want You to Want Me

After years, months, days, and mere seconds of self-discovery, I have learned… nothing. I know nothing about myself. I know the obvious things like what I like to listen to music-wise: Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Blink 182, Incubus, etc. And things like, I spit when I talk sometimes. And that I love to sleep and could possibly sleep all day if such motivation as hunger didn’t draw me out of my cocoon. But those things tell me almost nothing about my complexity when it comes to relationships, plutonic or romantic, but mainly the latter.

I have always been the friend that initiates the plan making. Everyone has made the call, “Hey what are you up to? Lets hang out tonight.” But I am the queen. I have managed to pick every person on this planet that doesn’t know how to make plans to be my friends for as long as I have been alive. Most of my friendships have in turn failed. I am not really sure as to why. It could be the fact that I stop being a doormat after a while or the fact that my friends usually find more interesting people to be friends with and we grow apart. No matter what it is, it always hurts, and feels like a break up to some extent.

When it comes to men and dating, well… that’s a whole ‘nother story. Ugggh, where to begin? Well, I don’t have much experience dating seeing that my first boyfriend was in 8^th grade. I dated a lot of guys for like 3 days each thru the rest of Junior High School, but in high school I only dated 3 guys, and only one of those ending up being serious. In accumulation I have dated about 10 guys and only one seriously. Even though me and that serious guy broke up nearly two years ago now, I just have not seemed to be able to jump back into the dating game. Don’t get me wrong there have been plenty of maybes but never any that were worth keeping around. I have managed to attract men that I am not attracted to and be attracted to guys that do not find me attractive for one reason or another. Whatever it may be I just have not had much luck. Maybe I am just picky or maybe I am just a hardened woman. Whatever it is, it is starting to take a toll on my sanity.

There are many songs out there that can describe feelings. Feelings of lust, love, anger, peace, confusion, betrayal, etc. Lyrics like “Let love in”, “All you need is love”, “I wanna hold your hand”, and my favorite “I want you to want me” describe feelings from the start of a romantic relationship. I have not felt these feelings in quite a while. I always tend to pinpoint flaws in a guy that shows interest in me, or things don’t pan out right or the feelings just aren’t mutual, but one thing is for sure, Michelle is not getting any love. I can get myself a hook up, but all you need is a vagina for a guy to make out with you. What I am wanting is not really a boyfriend perse, more like a guy to actually show interest for me as a person. As in a guy that is willing to take me out or sit down and talk to me for a while. “I want you to want me.” Shit, I’ll take that for either relationship. I want my friends to want me too. Not like sexually, ew, but like on a deeper level.

Friends are supposed to be able to talk to each other about every thing. Whether it is about that juicy hook up from last night or how sad you are about something that has happened recently. Thick and thin, always there. And in my mind, guys are supposed to talk to you at a party, chemistry can be there but if you are truly interested in a person you don’t ruin it by jumping in the sack immediately, you show interest, go on a date, talk for a while, and go from there. No that is apparently not how it works, but how would I know I have not been squired for a night out on the town in quite sometime, let’s say a year!? And before that the dating game hadn’t been new in nearly 4 years now. Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty out of the loop. How is it supposed to work now? According to all the catches I’ve been dealing with lately, you just try to get the girl naked before you know her name. I’m tired of all the bullshit. The players are fun to be with when you care just as much about them as they do about you. It’s a mutual reckless relationship. Those can actually be fun, it’s called a booty call, but that is no longer what I am looking for. I want to be back in the dating world. My goal is to not exactly get a boyfriend but to at least be wanted. Unfortunately, that has been my problem as of late. How do you weed out the guys that aren’t interested in a relationship and how do you pin point to guys that your actually interested in? I’m not even sure what kind of guy I want to date anymore. Definitely a guy that I like to look at and can carry a conversation with, but should I be picky about the music he listens to and the books he reads and the things he studies in school? I don’t even know. I’m not even looking for advice or advice to lead me to answers; I’m looking for my own answers.

Maybe I just need to figure out what I want or maybe something is seriously wrong with me. Do I have a disorder of some kind or do I have the inability to have a relationship because of who I am? I’m not even sure. I mean there are always exceptions to the rules I describe. I have a few new friends that I have made that are awesome, loyal, fun to be around, and they get me and I get them. There are guys out there that I have met that I am truly interested in and that are truly interested in me and if all the elements were there we could have a great long lasting relationship, but every single time that happens, it fails. Miserably. For example, I met a guy named Tyler. We were so into each other, went on a couple of dates, took everything nice and slow, had great conversations, and I was going away to college in six months and he didn’t want to have to deal with the mess that that could in time cause so that didn’t work out. I really like this guy named Gerrit. We were really into each other, so it seemed, maybe I was just really into him, but that failed because he was just simply a player. Then I met a guy at a party that was nice, funny, cute, charming, and went to school 2 hours away, so obviously that didn’t work out. And then the recent. I met a guy named Nate. He is my friend’s cousin. At first he was just a cool guy with a great personality that was easy to talk to. Over time (two times seeing him) he turned out to be a guy that I was really interested in getting to know, and he lives in Georgia. You can see my dismay when it comes to my luck in finding guys to date.

Honestly, I think I’m too lax. I don’t put myself out there much and I don’t let my heart get broken so I sit back and let things roll. Maybe if I put myself out there more then things would happen more naturally but I don’t want to have to look desperate, because honestly I am not. I can live without a boyfriend. I think I’m just ready to be in the dating pool again. I don’t know. This is just cluttered thoughts on paper.